Planning a Wedding?
We men would rather go fishing!

Walking past a shop-window I found myself doing a double-take. There it stood in all its glory…chic apparel adorning a lifeless mannequin. The dummy stared into emptiness, oblivious to the social weight that the article of clothing carried. I envied the mannequin and wished I was the one wearing the said apparel.

Being the prudent shopper that I am, I weighed the pros and cons of such a purchase. Pros: (i) I would look great in the (genuine) leather jacket; (ii) It might raise my esteem in the eyes of strangers. Cons: (i) Too expensive; (ii) Animal rights activists on my back.

In the end I decided not to go with the jacket. Somehow the thought of being stalked by a fanatic of ‘Gladys the Cow’ didn't appeal to me…

An earshot away from where I was, a couple stood, eyes fixed on the window, and judging from the excited utterances that came from the woman - it wasn't hard to tell that they were looking at the bride and bridegroom mannequins.

“Jimmy! Isn't that the most delightful gown you've ever seen?” asked Denise. Had she been any more animated, she would have taken flight! Her fiancé (I presumed) just stood there with a smile plastered on his face, gazing blankly at the well-dressed mannequin, with an expression that seemed to ask, "Good God! What have I gotten myself into?"

You guessed it. Jim is getting married.

If only life came with a universal remote so that we could skip to the more important stuff; to a ritual that has bonded men over the centuries, passed down from generation to generation, and preserved by those who take traditions seriously. (Not to mention all you need are a few kegs of beer, finger-food, a stereo system, and lots of eyecandy... and presto! You have the makings of a great stag-party!)

For most men, being married isn't the problem; it's getting married that's the challenge. I don't expect those with a flair for shopping to understand what we go through, but just to give an idea of what it is like, visualize having a chain fastened around your ankle as you are yanked along to endure every agonising detail of, “How many balloons do you think we need for the arch-way?” and “"Should we go with pink or blue?” Pleeeasee… will someone just shoot me already?

This view will register a sour note with a lot of brides-in-waiting, who more than likely will complain that, “It's his wedding too!” That we cannot deny, but what is debatable is what ‘getting married’ symbolises to either sex - and it is here that the classic gender differences become crystal clear. In order to understand what men are really up against, we need to travel back in time to when Denise was Daddy's little girl, literally…

That voice you hear is Denise's dad reading her a bed-time story, a popular fairy tale titled ‘Sleeping Beauty’. The little girl with stars in her eyes is obviously Denise, and next to them is a bookshelf loaded with all her favourite fairy tales. Let's now leap-frog back to the present.

The one thing that these stories have in common is that the beautiful damsel is always rescued by a handsome prince on a white horse, who proposes marriage and marries his princess-to-be in a lavish wedding ceremony and they live happily-everafter.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having romantic notions of being swept off your feet by a knight in shining armour. This would probably explain why women view their weddings through rose-colored glasses, and when their fiancés don't show much enthusiasm during wedding planning, the poor guys are accused of sabotaging the happily-ever-after ending.

What women need to understand is that no matter how many times one of them kisses an ugly guy, he is not going to turn into a handsome prince. And if he happens to own a 1990 model vehicle, I doubt the fairy godmother will change his pumpkin into an SUV. The point is that men have limitations, and even though we're fully aware of your grandiose expectations of getting married, we prefer not to go through five hundred- odd samples of table napkins just to choose one!

Poor Jim. This definitely explains his mortified look earlier on.

So, the next time you attend a wedding (perhaps your own) and observe the groom's delighted expression as he drives off into the sunset with his bride, you may be tempted to think that it's because his new wife promised to wear, on their honeymoon night, an article of clothing with the covering power of a handkerchief. This is simply nothing more than an old wives' tale. The truth is that the poor guy is relieved that all the wedding planning is finally over, and he definitely intends to make this marriage work…or else face planning another one. Cheers!

- Brian Elie