The New 30 SOMETHING WOMAN
Living Life On Her Terms

I remember when I was a teenager; twenty seemed so ‘old.’ Good God, I never even thought of how my life would be in my 30s. I guess the teenage mind just can’t travel ‘so far down the road.’ I mean my mother was in her 30s when I was entering high school. Now here I am, well into my third decade and let me tell you it is nothing like I envisioned!

It seems to me that there is this unspoken social tenet that says when a woman hits her 30s, she should be married and well on her way to having that first or second child. Who knew I was lagging so far behind? I can think of a few choice words to describe this expectation, as I sit here and write this: archaic, sexist, traditional, conservative . . . I’d better stop now.

I never would’ve considered that I (having made the conscious decision not to wed until the time was right for me) might be thought of as ‘defective.’ Imagine my chagrin when a seemingly normal guy asked me how I was coping. Jaw dropping shock doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt at that precise moment. What was I supposed to be coping with, anyway? It was then that I realized just how images of women have changed very little. It didn’t matter that I had a fabulous career, great friends, owned my own home or had a slammin’ SUV and a healthy investment portfolio. What people saw was that I was unmarried, without kids and I was past the ‘BIG 30!'

When I began researching for this piece, there were mixed reactions. Some of the women I spoke with confessed that they felt that they hadn’t lived up to their parents’ expectations - the one where you’re happily married with 2.5 children, a mortgage and a pension fund. Others felt that they were rebelling against societal norms and the patriarchal dogma that we buy into and still others simply did not see marriage and kids as factoring into their lives.

Their responses to my questions ran the gamut from those who wore their ‘ALPHA BITCH’ chest-plates proudly, to others who, while fiercely guarding their independence and identity as S.E.Fs (Single Empowered Females) prefer to do so in slightly more tolerant tones and finally to those who acknowledged that if their lives were to change to include a partner and children, they would equally embrace that gift.

I am here to debunk the myth of the ‘unfulfilled’ lifestyle of the unwed and ‘childless by choice’ 30something woman.

But, this is neither a ‘grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ type argument nor one which criticizes those of you who are married and/or are mothers. Those are choices that should definitely be celebrated. Instead, what I offer is a rare glimpse into the lives of this dynamic cadre of women, hopeful that a deeper appreciation and understanding can emerge. These are our stories.

At 35 Kayla is a force to be reckoned with. She runs a hugely successful manufacturing plant in Trinidad and recently celebrated her greatest quarter yet! She has a fantastic group of friends – people she has known for over three decades and of whom she says, “I trust them with my life.” When I asked her how she feels about being in her thirties and single, she says, “Singledom isn’t a sentence, it’s a choice.”

Today more than ever women are choosing to wait longer to wed. And why shouldn’t they? They are independent, (financial and otherwise) fulfilled and well-balanced. Jess, a 33-year-old Trinidadian living in Manhattan speaks with palpable pride when she describes her life.

I bought my first house four years ago. In lieu of kids I have two rambunctious and devoted dogs, Chaya and Thai and an incorrigible Abyssinian cat named Lou. I love my life.

I have an amazing career, a close circle of friends and an enviable social calendar. I live life on my terms, not on someone else’s idea of how my life should enfold. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against having a husband or kids.

I go out with a lot of guys. Some are great and others – well you just have to wonder. Either way, I enjoy the thrill of meeting new people. Developing friendships and connecting with men is a good thing. That doesn’t mean I want to marry them! For now, this is all I want. I don’t feel deprived or that time is running out in any way.

Where once women needed to get married to have the financial support of a husband and the security of children and a home, women today can afford these things on their own.

Ana, an advertising executive from Diego Martin and self-confessed gourmand describes herself as an “über pragmatist”. Face it…We all grew up reading fairy tales, which quite often featured a Prince Charming and no matter how tragic the storyline, the characters always seemed to live happily ever after. Well, at age 33 and still no husband on the horizon, I suppose my Prince Charming has either lost his horse or is stuck in traffic somewhere! Anyway, while I await his arrival, I’ve managed to build a rather successful career and truth be told, I’m enjoying life as a single woman with no ‘parrot on a stick’, as they say.

I think many of us link the ‘Prince Charming’ of those fairy tales with the happy ending, but one is not necessarily dependent upon the other.

Even though I’m still open to the idea of getting married and having a family of my own one day, I can’t say that the thought of it not happening keeps me up at night. Being single allows me to focus on my career, spend my money the way I want - no questions asked, enjoy quality time

with family and friends and get involved in activities that I wouldn’t be able to if I were on wife duty.

It’s been said that ‘life’s a stage’ but I prefer to think of it as a restaurant; you go in with the intention of having something specific on the menu, like the cheesecake perhaps, but when you get there you find that they’re all out so you opt for the Black Forest cake instead. That doesn’t mean the Black Forest isn’t as delectable as the cheesecake, does it? You enjoy it all the same don’t you? As a matter of fact, you may find it even better. Well, we single ladies have to learn to enjoy the sweetness of whatever life serves us, whether it’s marriage or a single life.

It’s up to us to enjoy it. However, people in general do have certain expectancies. It doesn’t matter what ethnicity you belong to; families expect their young women to get educated, find someone special, get married, have babies and continue on the path that their mothers, grandmothers and greatgrandmothers took.

But although it may be an accepted truism that every woman wants to be married, a great many do not want marriage. Consciously or subconsciously, many of them spend a lifetime resisting it. At 34 years, Nicole is the Vice President of International Sales at Northern Response, (a Canadian based company). She works with celebrities worldwide and personally handles many hats from writing, production and product branding to distribution in 70+ countries worldwide. Every step of the way, I was coerced into many "meetings" at family functions and parties in an effort to tie me to a suitable man who would wed me and later father my children.

Every step of the way, I rebelled, or simply traded off dating for immersing myself in my work.

I always figured, do what you love and you'll meet someone along the way who loves the same things...you can't go looking for that stuff. However, my parents are from the generation that believes that love can be introduced to you and especially through family friends.

I am unmarried, own my own home, drive a nice car and don't have second thoughts when buying anything. But there is a down side. It’s not so much that I see my ‘single status’ as a disappointment to my family or that I haven’t yet blessed them with any grandchildren, but what’s more disconcerting is not having someone along to share this wonderful ride. There is no shortage of men, but those with quality and shared interests and views is another thing entirely.

Ain’t that the truth! And so, there remains a formidable group of us who are redefining what it’s like to live life in our 30s in this millennium. We are the ‘always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ ‘forever the aunt, never the mum’ women who have chosen careers over carriages.

Leeza, a new aunt, seems oblivious to the drool seeping onto to her silk blouse. I am sitting beside her as she attempts to feed her niece while the baby’s mother steals a few precious moments of sleep. When I ask her, “When is it your turn?” she gawks at me in a way that can only be interpreted as, “When Hell freezes over!” Apparently Leeza adores her baby niece but not enough to have one of her own. I just never saw myself as the mother type. Don’t misunderstand me . . . I love this kid!

But I love the fact that I can leave at the end of the day and return to my life. I can definitely appreciate what parents have to undergo and after babysitting this bundle for even a few hours - I stand even more in awe of women and men who do this full time. But, I am comfortable in knowing that this is not for me . . . . not right now anyway. . Initially, I was under the impression that I was one of a very small cache of women who thought and lived this way, especially in light of (too readily volunteered but rarely solicited) divergent discourse shared by many men and women. What I discovered instead is that there is a growing number of ‘Single Sirens’ out here: women who are educated, worldly, hard-working and very satisfied 30- something-year-olds. We are not a new breed but rather an alternative take on today's generation. As the landscape changes, we adapt - conventionally or unconventionally but always and categorically on our own terms!

- Salisha Baboolal